Why are there so many “no one told me” posts?

It is entirely too common that women venturing into parenting will often at one point say “no one told me about this!” 

As a Maternal Mental Health Specialist, I to have had friends say this exact same thing to me, and I felt ashamed. Women have been having children and raising children… well forever. 

WHY are we still writing about these things? How is it that women who are surrounded by other women, being treated by Midwives or Obstetricians still feel surprised by something that occurs during pregnancy, labor or recovery? 

Everyone is different, and all experiences will be different but what I am getting at is not exactly the details but the idea of being more open and honest about the reality of pregnancy, and what follows. 

Now, I could hop down a rabbit hole talking about how society, culture and family end up impacting our perspective of how we look at and talk about our body, mensuration and sex. 

Lets just say in most cases these things that happen to over fifty percent of the people here on Earth are still taboo and deeply shameful. I applaud the current trend of embracing body positivity, reducing the shame of simply having a period and empowerment of the female voice. When I look back to how I was raised and how children born now may be raised I feel hopeful in the possibility of what these young girls may feel about themselves. AH Rabbit Hole! I’ll come back.

I remember my first “no one told me about this” moment with my body, my first period… at Grandma’s house … on Thanksgiving, surrounded by family. Shame, confusion, (death?), udder terror all came over me. I felt ugly and dirty the moment I noticed what was happening. 

I confided in a cousin who was 2 years older than me. Did I want to confide in my mother? Yes, but I was full of such embarrassment and shame she did didn’t find out for months! And when she found out? She casually reminded me to change it regularly and we proceeded with our grocery shopping in silence. 

She confirmed what I feared, this is not something to be proud of or talk about, this is shameful. I had a good friend whose mother was very supportive of having a period, she would call it funny names, buy comfort food and let it be. No shame there. Everything I learned about having a period came from that family, and I am thankful for that. 

Now, where did my mothers reaction come from? Probably from how she was raised, the culture at the time, society and her own personal emotional and mental state. It is so interesting! She did not by choice sit there and decide she would shame me about something that was happening to my body that could not be stopped. It was due to how her life combined in that very moment that created her own reaction. I am not resentful of my mother or believe she inherently chose to make me feel ashamed of what was happening. 

Being a family therapist I am trained to look at systems. Family systems, cultural systems, gender roles, sibling order, socioeconomic status, family stressors, etc. I love it. I found this way of therapy logical. I have never been a one way fits all type of person. 

I am proud to say I don’t typically say I am correct, because I am hopeful for the chance to learn something new and possibly adjust or correct my previous perceptive. I am not a know it all, I always welcome learning new things from emotionally aware, insightful and inquisitive individuals. 

How does this have anything to do with the feeling that “no one told me” experiences we had at our prenatal appointments, during labor, during delivery, minutes and hour after delivery, first moments alone with our newborn, etc? 

Well, I hope you have a slight idea. The feeling of wondering why we didn’t know some of this stems from how our mothers, aunts, cousins, friends etc were raised. 

Happily, some may say they had family present at births, their family was very open about the body, period and sex. Some wish their families would have kept some things to the imagination…haha! BUT my guess is that most of the women who find themselves in the “no one told me” category may have experienced some shame, secrecy, confusion, guilt, or embarrassment in your teenage years. 

I remember when I started talking to friends and family about my “no one told me” moments. Not just acting like pregnancy and childbirth were like these normal things we all go through and move on with. I remember saying things that made them look uncomfortable, and I was okay with that because they were real and true experiences. 

I remember telling my sister in law how when I was getting ready to push I had another “no one told me” (one of the many that day) moment when the nurse just begins unbuttoning your gown, moving your bed around, taking parts off, exposing most of your body and feeling unable to control any of it. Some say they don’t care when things like this happen. 

Through intense contraction I remember wanting to hit the pause button and sit up and tell her to stop. I understand the medical reasons some why some of these need to happen, but mentally and emotionally I was feeling highly under prepared. I typically at times have a comical, sarcastic side so usually I don’t pose these recounts of my experiences as totally serious, usually they are better received when you can joke about them like: 

Telling your sister in law (who is engaged and doesn’t have kids) about how a nurse just left you bare on a bed, then began massaging you down there and then after delivering got all up in your business in the bathroom. Jaw dropping and eyes gazing anywhere but at my face should not be the common reaction. This shouldn’t be something NEW. This shouldn’t feel as uncomfortable as it often does. 

I hope that my recipe of a little personal, a little professional, a dash of humor can help us ease through this crazy process of carrying, delivering and raising a baby in this present time.  Phew… I’m exhausted just thinking about all of this! 

So, the next time you are sitting with a good friend, talking to your midwife or Obstetrician or spending time with family consider branching past the “I’m good just tired”, “Labor was crazy but good”, “He’s not sleeping but he’s so cute so it’s okay”  and other statements as there is usually more real and relatable feelings below the surface. 

Share the real ones. Take a chance. What you may find is that the real ones, the scary ones, the ones you don’t want to tell anyone have probably happened to them or they know of someone it happened to. Share when you are unsure and struggling. Let people show up for you. Show up for others around you, especially the ones who look like everything is okay. Be supportive of one another. Help your fellow moms. The web of support grows with you and from you. Lets strive for less “no one told me” moments.