The Burden of Being “The Good Kid”: Navigating Perfectionism Amidst Sibling Needs

You can look up and find so many articles about how to support the child in the family that externally struggles. The child that needs extra emotional support, educational support or developmental support. What you don’t often see written about is the sneaky silent struggle of that of “the good kid”. In many families, roles and labels can be unintentionally assigned to children based on their perceived behaviors and needs. One such label is “the good kid,” often awarded upon the child who appears self-sufficient, responsible, and well-behaved. While this accolade may seem like a badge of honor, it can carry a burden of its own, especially when they have a sibling that requires additional attention and support. In this article, we will explore the downfalls and the sneaky also praised perfectionism associated with being labeled “the good kid.”

The Pressure to Excel

Being crowned “the good kid” as a child can bring a sense of pride and accomplishment. However, under the surface it can also lead to an unspoken expectation to maintain a high standard of behavior, achievement and to consistently put others’ emotional needs first. The pressure to excel academically, socially, and in extracurricular activities can become overwhelming, as the desire to meet parental expectations increases. This can inadvertently foster a sense of perfectionism and fear of inadequacy that may persist into adulthood and especially into parenthood.

Neglected Emotional Needs

While parents may view “the good kid” as independent and resilient, they might inadvertently overlook their emotional needs. Assumptions about their ability to cope may lead parents to prioritize the needs of a more demanding and more obviously struggling sibling. Consequently, “the good kid” may internalize their feelings, potentially leading to issues with self-esteem, self-worth, anxiety, depression and difficulty expressing emotions.

Comparison and Sibling Dynamics

Being labeled “the good kid” often creates a stark contrast between siblings. This comparison can foster resentment or jealousy, as the attention and resources are disproportionately directed towards the sibling perceived as needing more help. It can lead to feelings of inadequacy or a sense that one’s achievements are undervalued compared to the challenges faced by the other sibling.

Lack of Advocacy

“The good kid” label may lead parents to assume they require less advocacy or support in navigating life’s challenges. This assumption can inadvertently hinder the development of important life skills, as they are expected to handle situations independently. This lack of advocacy can create a gap in emotional and practical support, making it difficult for “the good kid” to seek help when needed.

Striving for Perfection: The Pitfalls

Perfectionism, though often seen as a positive trait in our society, can have detrimental effects on our mental health. Specifically for “The good kid” they may internalize the belief that they must always meet or exceed expectations, leading to anxiety, stress, and a fear of failure. The constant pursuit of perfection can hinder their ability to take risks, learn from mistakes, and develop a healthy and balanced sense of self.

Coping Strategies for “The Good Kid”

Open Communication: It’s crucial for “the good kid” to feel safe and supported to communicate their feelings and needs to their parents. Honest and validating conversations can help parents understand that even seemingly well-adjusted children require emotional support.

Set Boundaries: Establishing boundaries is essential for maintaining a healthy balance between supporting a struggling sibling and attending to one’s own needs.

Embrace Imperfection: Understand that it’s okay to make mistakes and that perfection is an unrealistic standard. Embrace failures as opportunities for growth. It is scientifically proven that one of the only ways to learn and grow is to make mistakes. Once a mistake is considered a failure it closes the door of possibilities to see it as an opportunity for learning and growth. When making a mistake asking curious questions allows for perspective to consider other ways or opportunities to not repeat the mistake. 

Seek Outside Support: If needed, consider seeking guidance from a therapist or counselor to navigate the complexities of the family dynamics and perfectionism. A safe and supportive third party can offer a canvas to analyze, be curious and wonder without blame or judgment. 

Being labeled “the good kid” can bring both pride and pressure. While it certainly reflects positive qualities, it’s important for parents to recognize that every child, regardless of their perceived strengths, requires and deserves emotional support and advocacy. Striving for perfection can lead to its own set of challenges, and it’s so important to cultivate a sense of self-worth independent of external expectations. By fostering open communication and embracing imperfection, families can create an environment that supports the holistic, mistake filled development of all their children.

If you feel this post resonated with you or awakened something that now feels like you want to dive deeper into, I encourage you to find a therapist in your state to process and unpack this with. If you live in Washington State check out my Mental Health Therapy Practice and reach out!