It’s okay to not be okay

In this time, in this moment, it is okay to not be okay. 

There are very few points in most individuals lives when they are struggling and they cannot lean on and rely upon others to take some weight off of them. Snow storms, natural disasters, illnesses, job loss, personal loss could be those times or are  the times where some see the most amount of support come in. There are those times when others who are not struggling or being impacted can be the one to stand on two feet and hoist you up and give you strength. 

I have noticed this for myself and I wonder if you have too, I am currently in survival mode. My reactions and processing of reality are slightly skewed from true present day happenings. The one and only time I can recall this to be true in my life prior was being in the NICU with my son after he was born. In the NICU I looked okay, I did the motions of what needed to be done, and then once I arrived home and the true stress subsided I broke. I inadvertently found myself with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to bottle up how I am feeling now only to have it find me again in the future. 

Now, with 3 children to care for and a husband to support (who is dealing with owning two Physical Therapy businesses) I want to be more intentional and caring of my mental, physical, emotional and relational health in this unprecedented time. 

1. Let it out. It is okay to not be okay. No one has gone through this before. We don’t have to be okay with what is happening! Allowing myself to sound cliche, think about your emotions like a Volcano. Let it out consistently and typically no massive eruptions occur. Bottle it up, and a massive explosion happens and the ash and lava impact everything around you. If you are a parent, don’t just pretend you are completely fine around your children. Educate them on the current matters and to their developmental age share some thoughts and feelings you are having in the moment. Be a good example of being nervous but using the good coping skills to allow the feeling of safely. When you have time to be alone, be with your spouse or talk to someone on the phone be honest about how you are feeling… chances are they are feeling similar. Relate, comfort and support one another. 

2. Balance how you are reaching out to people and what you are looking at. In the world of social media and misinformation, constantly question your sources. Look to opinion pieces to understand one persons perspective, but do not take away fact from it unless it is appropriately sited. Go to the direct source for your facts and information. In this case that is the World Health Organization, the Centers for Disease Control and your state governments coronavirus site. Understand that when you read something in an opinion piece and suddenly feel more unwell about the moment and maybe feel more anxious that they may be trying to do just that, loose you in the opinion versus the facts. If you find yourself obsessing about checking to see what else is happening with the virus or what other “fires” and “disasters” are going on step back. Your mind by this point is spiraling and fear and anxiety have taken control, versus allowing logic and reason to be in charge. 

If you have a friend or family member that only stresses you out more when you speak with them, find ways to limit the interactions, even for a day or two. Consciously tell yourself and ground yourself in understanding that reality. You will notice that stepping back from those people, or even websites, facebook groups etc will allow your illogical anxiety to calm down. 

Intentionally reach out to cornerstone individuals in your life. Come up with creative ways to interact with one another so it isn’t always talking about the new news of the day. There are some fun game apps where you are doing it in groups. Currently, my parents (who are on the other side of the country) FaceTime my kids every morning and read them a book while they eat breakfast. It is something we all look forward to. 

3. Maintain Self-Awareness and investigate times when you over reacted to the moment. Keep a mental or physical log of your emotions. In stressful times our emotions are often like icebergs. More under the surface than above. Our reactions to small problems can be bigger because of the stress level we are under. When it comes to then parenting children, you may find you are more short fused than usual. 

Maybe, you just read an update on number of cases in your area or a story about someone who has the virus. You are feeling tense, and then kids start to fight about something silly… like a crayon. You react BIG, letting all your pent up stress you just absorbed from reading the article on your kids. Give yourself a break, go take a breath and understand how you got to the place of yelling at them over something so trivial. Being aware of why we do things offers us more control over our decisions and reactions, allowing more appropriate choices in the future. Make sure to address your outburst with your kids, explain your reaction was based more on your inside feelings and apologize. Be their example of self-awareness and responsibility for your own actions. 

4. Prioritize self-care. Schedule it out or look for the little, small moments to value some quiet time with your thoughts. Download the Calm app or something similar. It has free short mindfulness exercises to utilize for those short breaks. Having kids, this is very important. Sometimes, self care can look like a moment to do all the dishes and have a clean kitchen. Another moment self care can look like laying on the couch for 10-15 min and closing your eyes. Both have value, when used in the right moment to rebalance your mood and thoughts to allow the rest of the day to be more fulfilling. Used in the wrong time both can cause the opposite. You can be frustrated all you do is clean up and do dishes and feel resentful versus in control and energized. SO. Choose the one for the right moment. 

These are uncertain times for everyone. Daily I feel I need to re-evaluate how I am doing, what I need to do for myself and my family. Show kindness to yourself and others around you. I used to always have a weekly meal plan for dinners. Right now for me, self care is not writing on because I feel its too concrete. For someone else it may be the exact opposite. That is totally fine! Do what works the best and allow and anticipate schedules and routines to not go entirely as expected. I have found because of how much time we have I am allowing more flexibility