Blink and you might miss it

I am stuck in between two days. Yesterday we celebrated our 3rd child’s First Birthday. And tomorrow, it truly is her birthday.

If I were to look back and compare my feelings towards this day when my eldest turned one, to when my middle daughter turned one and now to my last child all would be different.

For me, the first year for my sons life was overwhelming and exhausting. I was deeply looking forward to the new stages, developmental milestones, etc almost as a way to keep life moving. I did relish in the day but then would think, “I can’t wait for him to be older!”

His First Birthday was so fun, I was excited he was getting older. Truly, a first child is at times boring. You can’t yet have a conversation with them, you fully have to entertain them and you are figuring everything out as you go. As they get older you see more independence, exploration, less dependence on some things as well.

For my middle daughter, we lost a baby between them and I got pregnant with her just after my son turned one. She was my miracle. I relished every moment of being pregnant (not really) and truly held on to every single second of those first couple weeks (really) that I felt were terrible with my first. It was such a different experience.

I remember the first time I was sad she was growing up. She turned 6 months. It was a realization she was half way done being a baby. As some friends were happy to get the baby phase over, I was simply devastated. Upon that realization I wanted to slow time down even more.

When she crawled, walked, said words… I did not celebrate like I did the last time. I was excited and proud of her development and sad realizing this goes by so fast.

I knew I wanted 3 kids and watching my second “grow up too fast” made my desire for another one that more strong. Was I trying to replace each child with another cuter, less defiant, less emotional one? Lets say maybe HA!

I got pregnant for the 4th time, my 3rd healthy pregnancy just around the time she turned one. PHEW. I was not into being pregnant, especially with a summer baby. With that, I was so excited for another. While being pregnant my second continued to become more and more a toddler. Oh how I looked forward to that baby.

When our third was born, we had 3 under 3. My oldest to my youngest is 3 years and 7 months. I had been either pregnant or postpartum (first year after having a baby) since Feb 2013. YIKES. 2013-2018 was only pregnancy or postpartum, no break, no in between.

I am sure some moms of 3 may relate to this. Having my third was EASY. I had the kid thing down, I had the newborn thing down. My two olders could play with each other (nicely and not so nicely), my oldest could help the middle. It was wonderful. I wasn’t as anxious as I was with my others about her safety, how much she needed to eat. It was great.

Her first couple months were hard, but since I was so busy, they weren’t as hard as it would have been if she was my first. Those seasoned parents really do know some things!

Through reflux, sleep and diet issues (only problem we didn’t have was poop!) I survived. Sometimes my husband would ask “how was today?” and I would reply “I kept 3 children alive but didn’t do much past that.”

Then, like a blink of an eye she was 6 months old. I was devastated. Did I really want to go back to sleepless nights, crying babies, spit up all over? YES. I yearned for it. Thankfully for my husband, I knew I was content and at peace with three children. So my sadness for a growing child will not be replaced with another like the last two.

We had her first birthday party yesterday, and tomorrow she will officially turn ONE YEAR OLD. I for the first time in my parenting life am in unfamiliar territory. Never have I ever had a 1-2 year old without being pregnant.

So, now. What??

I am so very sad my “baby” is no more. Not really, but if she was my first I would consider her now a toddler because she is “so big!”. She will not be babied, she will not be held back. She is very close in age to her siblings so I cannot wait for the times they truly play with one another.

I myself on the happy side of it all is that I am in new territory! How wonderful. Where will this year take us? My older two will be in part-time preschool and I get this lovely baby all to myself a couple hours a day. I get to not be sick, tired (well you know what I mean), too big to move. We get to explore, have fun, and I truly am looking forward to it! (I will say on repeat to myself, over and over and over!)