When you are about to become a mom you hear a lot of advice and helpful tips. One thing you often hear is about finding your village. Find people who can be there to support you and are going through the same thing. They recommend seeking out moms groups, exercise classes, mommy and me music classes etc. This is all wonderful advice and can truly be a life saver.
Most moms report one unexpected feeling they had after having a baby and that is feeling alone. You are taking care of this little sweet baby who has no ability to help oneself. Desire for adult interaction is typically at an all time high.
For extroverts the lack of communication and interaction causes them to seek out supports early on. They want to show up to a moms group or a toddler time to be around people and chat on and off. This builds them up, giving them energy to return home. The challenge is that an introvert does not think “I need interaction and small talk to recharge and gain energy.” In fact, a myth is that they do not want the interaction and support.
An introvert may be aware of things she wants to show up to and at times desires the ability to show up, although due to the new baby or multiple children has no reserve energy left to give. If this is you, what do you do? What do you do when you have the desire but the idea of showing up seems far to daunting and overwhelming? How can an introvert build her village?
Here is my Introverts Guide to finding a Village:
1. Know a Village is not a specific number
Introverts thrive in one on one connections. When you show up to a moms group look for other introverts. Look for someone not being the center of the conversation. Look for the one that doesn’t immediately introduce herself to you, but is probably also looking for a more personal connection. A village does not specify a number. Find people who you can joke around with, can support you when you are down and also can have deep, meaningful conversations with.
2. Know your Village intentionally
Knowing where you are emotionally, psychotically and physically. This will help determine which direction you should go. If you looked online for local moms groups you would find various options in your area (hopefully). If you are looking to get out of the house but don’t want to be forced into conversation choose something like an exercise group (check out Fit4mom!) or a play group that does not have structured conversations. If you are seeking emotional and psychological support find one that will have a group leader, controlled open ended questions, places to learn new coping skills or self care skills. Know you are in charge for how much or how little you are involved in these groups. Do not feel you need to be more involved than you are ready to be!
3. Know your self and your need for self care
One key component of self care is knowing yourself. If you don’t have self awareness about what makes you tick, what makes you relax and what makes you crazy how are you to know how to make yourself calm and rebuild your energy stores? Learn from past experiences to know what to do the next time. Remember to make yourself a priority. Remember your family will be better for it. Remember that missing a meet up with your “village” to care for yourself even if you agreed to be there is okay. Know that needing time away from your children or your spouse to regroup is a positive and strong self-care strategy (even if you get the “when will you be home?” text).
4. Know this phase of motherhood will pass but it can feel never ending at times
Some days you wake up feeling like you did not get a good nights rest. You give all of yourself to your children and leave very little or nothing for yourself. Days blend together, weeks are long. I have gone weeks at times where I step back and realize other than keeping myself clean I never did anything for myself. This, at time is motherhood. Motherhood can feel isolating. Finding a healthy balance of home time and time with your village can change weekly. Let it change. Let yourself show up to a moms group or exercise group weekly or biweekly for a month. If you start feeling drained with the idea of showing up, slow down! Refocus your time. Don’t feel guilty for the change, be intentional about your needs. Soak in the sweet times with your baby at home. Find joy in new interactions with them. Then, when you are starting to feel the need to be more involved in your village, intentionally return!
5. Know you are doing your very best and if needed help is out there
Motherhood is hard. This is why a Village is encouraged. Find others going through the same life phase as you for support. Find a village who you can be yourself with. You can show up in 2 day old clothes or freshly showered. Find people you can be raw and open with. If you still feel that you are deeply struggling and something is preventing you from finding your village seek out professional help. Perinatal Mental Health (or Maternal Mental Health) Therapists offer various options from support. You can reach a therapist often now by phone counseling, video counseling and in person counseling. Remember that seeking out help is one big step of being proactive in putting your wellbeing first. Seeking help shows you are a self-aware and strong person.
