Getting to know YOU

I don’t know about you, but becoming a parent caused me to loose myself a bit. My personal growth was no longer a priority, or if I had goals of wanting it to be I couldn’t find ways of meeting the goal. 

I began parenthood in the NICU, so I began by functioning in survival mode. I just did what I needed to do with little processing. I had moments where my protective layer would unravel and I at times had crying fits as if someone died. I was confused at my various emotions and their intensities.

Having 3 children close in age, I had newborns before the older child turned 2. I was overlapping in what I needed to manage, adjusting to different routines and developmental needs. We stopped at 3 for many reasons but one big one was I liked the dynamic we had, (and if we continued I think I would have lost my mind!)

Now, my youngest is 2 years 4 months. I am in unfamiliar territory. She did not experience me as a pregnant mom when she was 1 year old. She did not experience already having a sibling before she was 2. I also did not have to go through those changes again. Because of that I feel like even though life is still crazy with 3 kids I am finally getting to know myself again. Not the mom in survival mode, not the mom barely sleeping, not the mom adjusting to add another little one to the family.

My children are still very heavily dependent on me but their independence and ability to play with one another and go to school has allowed for more time to focus on myself. 

To be honest, I kind of feel like a rusty half broken down car at times. Hoping it will start, has enough gas, hoping for no flat tires! It has become very evident I did at times a good job looking like I was taking care of myself. Now, with more time to focus on myself its clear I haven’t. 

Looking in the mirror I feel like I am looking at a stranger sometimes. I am getting to know myself again. I am also getting to decide who I get to be at this point. 

If you can resonate with this place in your life, be excited. Its wonderful to have an intentional mindset of getting to know yourself. The last time this happened I was in my early twenties in graduate school. In a counseling program you’re basically required to get to know yourself and I am thankful I had the opportunity. 

Here are some steps to help discover or re-discover yourself:

1. Practice Self-Awareness:
Self-awareness is the state of knowing what you are feeling and thinking in the moment and WHY. The act of understanding your own feelings (good or bad) has a powerful influence on our mental state and our choices in life. When you become self-aware you begin to learn what you need in the present moment. You validate your feelings and present state. You’re anxiety naturally reduces because you KNOW why you are feeling a certain way, it is no longer a mystery, it no longer this mysterious emotion that controls you. 

2. Move and nourish your body:
 As a mother and a woman your body has drastically changed carrying children and then caring for them. I was an athlete in High School and as a younger child. I was active in college, I often went into phases where I wanted to work out and would try what I did in the past. Almost like I was trying to be who I used to be. Try out new ways to move your body. Ask yourself if you are a home work out person, gym, class, studio, hiking, nature walk etc. Do something that makes you feel connected to your body, not just to “perfect” your body. 
Don’t look at food in negative ways. Look at food as fuel. That allows your brain to think well, allows your body to move, care for yourself and care for your family. Do eat the celebratory donut if you are out with your kids even if you are watching what you eat (one of the worst things we can do is give our kids a treat and then not eat it ourselves, it sends a mixed message!) 
Be an example of a balanced lifestyle that shows kids how to treat their body well and nourish it. 

3. Don’t try to be the person you were before:
Think back to how old you were when you had children. Think about what you even thought parenthood would be like. You can’t go back because you have learned and grown too much. You can become a different version of yourself without trying (you may be there) but intentionally becoming someone you want to be is very different. Think ahead, in 10 years. You will possibly have teenagers… what do you want your life to look like then? Realistic goals versus petty and vein ones. 

4. Discover what holes are felt in your life, and try to fill them: 
Getting to know yourself is so important. It is your present and future. Give yourself the attention YOU deserve. Make lists, give yourself goals (short and long term reasonable ones). Become more intentional with your actions and time. The more you do the more familiar that person in the mirror will become. Consider a planner / journal combo. Setting weekly and monthly goals. Writing out your days, weeks and processing your goals will help you think about how realistic your goals are for the present time. 

5. Treat life as a growth process, ever changing: 
Remind yourself you are in control of your life. Getting to know yourself may not come as fast as you hope for it to happen. Give yourself grace through the process. If you make mistakes learn from them. If you set goals for yourself and can’t make them, be curious on why… don’t resort to negative self-talk. Readjust your goals and expectations for yourself. Make smaller goals that will build you up  to feel successful.

6. Know when to ask for help and build up your relationships 

Asking for help as a mother can seem like defeat to some. That being said, identifying a need and being proactive to meet it is not a weakness… its a great skill. Finding the right people to be in your corner can help you find yourself. 

Continue building your relationship with your partner. Having young children can be so hard on a relationship. Find times to be intentional with your actions, words and thoughts towards your partner.  You are together for a reason, you had children out of your love. Try to do some date nights IN if you cannot go OUT. When going to bed, stay off your phone and be present in the moment. When you see each other for the first time, usually around dinner time, greet with joy and being happy to see each other. Allowing for a positive return will allow a mood booster for everyone. It will assist in all tired individuals to want to be more patient and positive. It sounds simple but the small and simple things in a relationship MAKE a relationship. 

Finally, if you find you are still deeply struggling or feel you are still stuck in survival mode, seek help from a therapist. Do not diminish your need for your own mental well being. Having a therapist can be vital to some for their continued improvement in their health. Seeking out a therapist is often seen as a weakness, but being proactive about your health can be your best asset. Look up therapists in your area, or online. Just make sure you online therapist is licensed in your state.